IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE FRICKIN' DAY!

It's May. It's hot. Yes, I realize that it is sprinkler season, but there is a time and a place. When it's one in the afternoon and it's ninety degrees outside, it doesn't matter how high you turn the sprinklers up. Most of the water will just evaporate. Not only increasing your water bill, but also putting the water into the clouds where it will bless some farmer a thousand miles away. That's great for the farmer, but only 2% of the water on the earth is drinkable. Wasting it is foolish. If you morons don't start watering at night like the rest of us, I will 'hunt you down and gut you like a fish!'
But for those of you who are just having trouble setting the timer, twelve am is when it's dark, and twelve pm is in the MIDDLE OF THE FRICKIN' DAY!!!! Capeeche?

The Four Catagories of Stupid

All of us have been called 'stupid' at some point in our lives. Whether by a joking family member, or a serious not-so-friend, it happens. This is a guide to understand which 'stupid' they may have meant.

Lac of Intelligence Stupid: Basically, you're stupid. You don't read anything but your video game manual. You have to struggle to pass your English class because you don't understand words longer than girlfriend, football, and "quick, shoot it!!!" (I'm sure they know a few more words, but I'm not counting the ones out of playboy or cosmo)

Jerk Stupid: You're mean. People hate you. They call you stupid because you're a jerk, that's why you have so few friends. You may torture animals and small children, or maybe you're just rude. Or, as your mother delicately puts it, 'misunderstood.'

Socially Inept and Unaware Stupid: You live under a rock. You watch nothing but Disney movies. Someone tells a dirty joke and you don't have a clue what they're talking about. You thought Halo was about angels and you had no clue what Guitar Hero was until your friend explained it to you. You might as well be Amish.

Spaz Stupid: You're crazy. You rode your friend's bike off the pier and into the ocean because "it seemed like such a good idea at the time." And then you wondered 'what happened to the bike.' Looks like someone isn't going to be in the parade after all. You occasionally loose the remote in the couch or your sunglasses on your head. When you get bored, you hum I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

*Gasp*

It's a guy! What do we do!?!
You can:
A) Walk up, flirt, hair-flip, laugh at any lame jokes he makes, then discreetly ask him for his phone number in the hopes that he will give you his real number and not the number for the reject hotline.
B) Walk up, flirt, hair-flip, laugh at lame jokes, arm-touch-thing, in the hopes the he will ask you for your phone number (unless it turns out that he's not that great, then you can give him the reject hotline number).
C) Stare at him, whisper with your friends, start going towards him, get scared and back off, go towards him again, then inform him that you and your giggling girlfriends think he has a nice butt. Run back to whatever planet you came from.
As sad as it may sound, there are people who think that C is the answer. I happened to witness a group of these desperadoes when I was working on Monday. I was standing nearby when I noticed some girls staring at one of my co-workers. They stared when he walked into the bathroom, they stared when he came out, started to follow him, saw him go into a room they couldn't, then said: well, he'll have to come out some time. Talk about creepy!
Well, of course I told him! You need to know when there are creepy people checking you out!
Anyway, he was out there later and they.... well, see scenario C. The dude was thoroughly embarrassed and the rest of us witnesses broke into hysterical laughter.
So remember people, if you think C is the answer, at least buy him dinner first (and how could they tell if he had a nice butt, his pants were too loose to really tell).

Biodegradable Packing-Peanuts!

For those of you who don't know, packing-peanuts are usually made from Styrofoam. A soft fluffy substance that, I believe is made from plastic. It is also, for those of you who don't know, non-biodegradable. Excuse my pun but, in 'peanut' terms, that means that it does not dissolve and turn back into dirt like leaves or food. Instead it keeps going like the energizer bunny, poisoning our environment and taking up space in landfills. (That is why I encourage recycling whenever possible.) But! I found out about a year ago that they now make biodegradable packing-peanuts. It's totally awesome! You lick them and they start to melt away before your eyes!
So, your assignment for today: Live a little greener. Either recycle your homework, or roast marshmallows over it. S'more party! Did you know that you can get money for your aluminum cans or glass bottles? My grandparents used to have a friend who was saving his coke cans so he could get the money and buy baseball tickets. That's a cool dude. I'm not saying you have to go vegan or stop bathing, but at least make a little effort. Let spider live (unless it's poisonous, of course), throw the single Kleenex in the garbage instead of wasting another flush, spring is the time to appreciate the world we live in and treat it kindly. So let's all be a little more Eco-friendly. Go Green!