Foiled again!!!
Carrying his armload of stolen goods the thief sprints for the getaway vehicle - when suddenly the jeans slide down the shiny backside of the would-be-shoplifter.
You stumble and fall.
I laugh at the video of your lily-white tushy on aol's homepage.
It's a sight that soothes my soul and proves to me that God has a sence of humor and ironic timing. And gravity punks the punk... now!
You drop your armload of whatevers in favor of skinning your palms and hastily yanking up your droopy drawers and screaming at your buddy to hit the gas.
What did you get from this? Nothing.
Because you were foiled again... By fashion.
Mmmm. Good stuff.
Because I hate your saggy pants.
I don't want to see your plaid boxers, or find out that you are going comando today.
I wish I had a bucket of spackle to fill in that crack.
But instead I settle for the satisfaction of knowing that you can't run with the same bowl-legged walk you use to hold your britches around your knees. Can't do it.
Some crime-boss are you.
(If you hate baggy bottoms, google the 'devolution of the trouser.')
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Yard Work
A glorious morning in quiet suburbia. The immaculate lawns glistening emerald with morning dew. Edged to perfection and not a weed in sight of the ordinary split-levels that litter the street. All the flowers are in boxes or planters. All is as it should be.
Then there's my yard.
Oh yes. I'm that neighbor.
I was the child that kicked the puffs of seeds to see how far they would float. Right over the fence into your yard.
I keep the weeds mowed... I do. I lop off the dandelion heads as soon as they pop up high enough. I think they're pretty. A sprinkling of yellow in my grass. Except for that cluster of tulips that stand alone in my lawn. I have no idea how they got there. But they're pretty too, so I leave them.
i try to be courteous and pick the seed pods before they bloom. I try to contain the neighborhood hazard.
I could get fertilizer and weedkiller and all that jazz.
But then I would have a patch of dirt. Do you have any idea how much sod costs?
Oh, yes. I'm that neighbor.
More weeds than grass. Yappy dogs. Flowers in a patch, not a box.
College student. Homework before yard care.
Savages.
Living with my single mom. Spring cleaning before tree trimming.
Savages!
If I have time this summer I'll de-weed the lawn. Maybe.
Or maybe I'll learn to decorate cakes instead.
Then there's my yard.
Oh yes. I'm that neighbor.
I was the child that kicked the puffs of seeds to see how far they would float. Right over the fence into your yard.
I keep the weeds mowed... I do. I lop off the dandelion heads as soon as they pop up high enough. I think they're pretty. A sprinkling of yellow in my grass. Except for that cluster of tulips that stand alone in my lawn. I have no idea how they got there. But they're pretty too, so I leave them.
i try to be courteous and pick the seed pods before they bloom. I try to contain the neighborhood hazard.
I could get fertilizer and weedkiller and all that jazz.
But then I would have a patch of dirt. Do you have any idea how much sod costs?
Oh, yes. I'm that neighbor.
More weeds than grass. Yappy dogs. Flowers in a patch, not a box.
College student. Homework before yard care.
Savages.
Living with my single mom. Spring cleaning before tree trimming.
Savages!
If I have time this summer I'll de-weed the lawn. Maybe.
Or maybe I'll learn to decorate cakes instead.
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